I haven't written this week because I've been having an extremely difficult time (again) dealing with Doug's situation. Why now? My sister-in-law's graduation from LSU's lawschool is coming up shortly, and I'm going because I love her. But attending anything with lawyers won't be easy for me or Doug because the wounds are still fresh--I'd rather dig a hole in the mud and sit there in the rain, invisible, than potentially face people who know of Doug's disbarrment and choose to think him guilty I'm going--period--so nobody dare tell me I don't have to go. But at times like this, it's like someone has raked a bad razor across my skin, leaving invisible nicks, yet each thought or memory causes pain because they are like the tide coming in as salt water waves wash over me like acid.
I cannot impart the pain I still feel, sometimes the anger, the shame and humiliation, knowing one woman's deception, forgery and lies have led to the end of Doug's career, to his spotless reputation, to the end to several goals and dreams and security. Every time I think I have accepted everything and have forgiven his former client, something triggers all the emotions again and I'm right back where I started. It's like Chutes and Ladders--you think you're making progress, trudging along the squares, and then you hit one of those darn ladders and wheeeee, you're back to where you were a year ago. I just don't understand how she can live with herself! My conscience would be burning so hot I couldn't sleep at night. I fear I will spend my entire life waiting, continually hoping that God will burden her soul to the point where she can't NOT tell the truth, hoping that Doug will be redeemed on this earth, not just in heaven.
Anyway, this week, Doug's never being able to be a lawyer in Louisiana ever again has made me repeatedly ask God "why"....it's not like I haven't been asking this question for the past three years. I've asked it so much, I think I just have gotten to where I ask it out of habit, not really expecting an answer as I sit and cry. But today, out of nowhere, God answered. And when I told Doug, it was so insanely awesome that God told him the same message today!
After three years of asking, I finally know why all this trauma happened to us. God has blessed Doug and me both with many talents and skills such that it's easy to think that the successes we have in life are due to our own striving. It's called pride, the thought that you are a "self made man" (or woman), and it sneaks in when least expected. God let us know that He took everything away permanently because He wants us to know that any great success we have (from the point where He took away Doug's license/career forward) is solely a gift, a blessing from Him and is in no way related to our abilities, is nothing we accomplished on our own.
I don't know what great thing God has in store for us, but I know it's something that He wants us to definitely know came from Him. I'm still sad for what is lost, but I'm also excited to see what blessing He has waiting in the wings.