Sunday, April 26, 2009

Raggedy Ann

Having twins has definitely made me realize how hopeless I am without Christ. Even with Him guiding me and residing in my heart, most days, I feel like I am running a race backwards. Last week, I had a couple of good days with God speaking, and I felt closer to Him than I have been in a while, and then the weekend arrives and life comes crashing down like an unexpected avalanche, showing me how far I still have to go, how far from Him I still am.

I have become increasingly annoyed at people picking on Kate from the "Jon and Kate Plus 8" show. Just having two infants gives me just a hint of the intense stress she is under and how her ability to function at all without at least a meltdown an hour--much less function with a camera recording her life--is miraculous. I read somewhere that for parents of multiples, every 3 months is when you can see marked improvement, and surviving the first 9 months is a real milestone. Yes, at 6 months, the twins are better than they were at 6 weeks or 3 months. But, as they get better, my help has decreased significantly. Mama still comes up Monday mornings so I can race around like a crazy woman trying to fit in a week's worth of chores in those 5 hours. On the other days, I'm a one-woman show again, and the emotional stress is just unbelievable. I feel like "the centre cannot hold".

I am a small, common Raggedy Ann doll that someone once loved dearly, but then forgot for some new, interactive toys. Now, I lay alone, abandoned in the ever-taller grass that surrounds me, hiding my very existence from the rest of the world. I rest close enough to see and hear everyone playing with the new toys, but no matter how loudly I cry out, I can't seem to be heard above their noise. Even my tears and sorrow go unnoticed behind the laughing smile stitched permanently on my face. My seams have torn, my stuffing is soggy and leaking out, my hair has long ago been plucked out for a bird's nest, and one eye has fallen off. And yet I still spend each day hoping someone will discover me again, will pick me up, wash me off, stitch me back together and talk to me again, listen to me again, love me again...........instead of the new toys.

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