One of my biggest fears in life is that God will cease speaking to me. Since I became totally immersed in His word in 2005, I have been amazed, humbled, and jubilantly excited when God aligns the pieces of my life in order to get His point across. Like stars in a constellation, God would sometimes speak something in my soul and then confirm it repeatedly by having me hear the same message in a sermon, read it on the Internet, hear it on the radio, or see it on T.V.
You may think I’m nuts, but I don’t believe in coincidence. There’s nothing more comforting than knowing what I’m doing is exactly what God would have me to do. So many times, I have asked for Him to not leave any doubt in my mind. And He has always been faithful to answer that prayer. But, when I started having children, God still spoke to me through Bible studies and the scripture, but He seemed to stop speaking through life events, seemed to stop lining up everything in my day to make His point.
Maybe it was because I wasn’t listening. But, I tend to think it was more because the noise of my three children made it hard for me to ever “be still” and rest in the quiet to hear God’s voice. If there were quiet, I was sleeping through it. And I also think it was because I was searching. Since Wyatt was born and I made the decision to be a stay-at-home mom who worked a full-time teaching schedule at home, I have struggled with my position in and my purpose in life and in God’s kingdom. Please understand--I know with 100% certainty, with every fiber of my being that my place is at home with my children. I've known this truth from the time I began working full time at RPCC, and I was always clear with my boss that when I had my children, that was it.
But, knowing and doing are two different things, and this struggle for an identity apart from “mommy” came to a head after the twins were born. With two babies and a 2-year-old, my life quickly became stifling, knowing it was no longer possible for me to just drop everything anymore and go on a hurried trip to the store for milk. I could no longer run to the mall by myself with the kids because Wyatt is still young enough to need his own stroller, and I am not about to push one stroller and drag another one. I felt trapped and totally unable to fulfill God’s command to go and tell the world about Jesus. I wondered how I could ever again be in the center of God’s will if I didn’t even know what His will for my life was anymore other than to raise three babies to love Him.
After speaking with my pastor and praying, I came to see God’s purpose was for me to create my devotional Quail and Manna blog. I was hesitant about it at first, struggling to hear God’s voice. But, these past three weeks, my soul has once again found God’s station and tuned in perfectly to that frequency. Ray Stevens had a song "Turn Your Radio On" about "the Master's radio"--that's how I feel about God speaking: I have to tune my human receiver to hear the divine words He's speaking around me. I fret needlessly all week long, trying to think of what to write and coming up empty, and then either Friday or Saturday, God will give me what to say. It will be clear as can be!
The first time it happened was two Saturdays ago; I thought it was a fluke, but I wrote the devotional and scheduled it to post Sunday at midnight. Then, the next day, our pastor preached on the same topic even though I hadn't shared it with anyone yet, so Doug and I had a good laugh about him stealing my devotional. Then, last Friday, God easily gave me a topic again; I wrote the devotional and scheduled it to post Sunday night….and two days later during the morning service, our pastor was preaching on just that topic! I was so giddy! I told Doug that I had confirmation I was doing what God wanted me to do and saying what He would have me to say. But still, deep inside was a fear that He would stop speaking, that this was a short term deal. But today on the way home, He planted another idea in my head for a topic. Then, when I opened my email tonight, the key word was repeated a second time for me in a totally non-spiritual context. It’s happening again!
Week by week, God is connecting the dots in my very small universe, and I’m able to see those connections once again. I am in awe. I am humbled. I feel such a peace and such an excitement to be where I’m supposed to be that words just cannot contain those emotions.
You may think it’s all a coincidence. No. Be certain. It’s God.