A Steady Fire

During last year's major hurricane, a gigantic, towering pine uprooted and crashed to the ground. That was almost a year ago, but still, the massive tree trunk lies unburnt on the ground. I can't remember how many times I have stacked large mounds of limbs, small logs, and brush around the trunk to start raging fires with flames leaping heavenward. And yet once the small stuff burned up, the trunk remained, each time just a bit more charred than before.

Sunday evening, my husband lit the fire again just to burn up the limbs surrounding it. But, to our surprise, this time, the log started burning, and small flames have been slowly consuming it ever since. My house is now the one sending out smoke signals 24 hours a day.

Watching this fire for 4 days has made me think about how at different points in my life, this is a picture of my heart for Jesus. I'm like that log--sometimes, I just sit there, not catching on fire no matter how many Christian worship songs I listen to, how many sermons I sit through, how regular my prayer life is, or how many Bible studies I hungrily consume. The musicians, the pastor, the Bible study writers--they're all flames licking at my bark, but while I may get a little scorched on the outside, my heart remains relatively untouched. Other times, I quickly catch their fires only to just as quickly burn out. Then, only the smoke is there to remind me that I almost found my passion for Him again.

I wait, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, and sadly, sometimes months. At times, I'm certainly dry enough to burn for Jesus, but nothing seems to spark just right. And then, when I least expect it, when I'm not really trying hard to light my heart, that's when it happens.

A word. A thought. A Psalm. A story. A miracle. I'm learning that God works at lighting my soul on fire for Him more through what the world would consider small, insignificant things than anything big or noteworthy.

So, where am I now? After 13-hour days filled with 2 infants and a toddler crying, screaming, being rebellious (and everything else negative about kids under age 3), I'm finding it's just so hard to keep that fire going. It sputters and flickers all day long beneath an open fire hydrant filled with the pressures of my full-time-stay-at-home-mom job and my paying one.

But, if I take another look at the log, I see something different--it's steadily burning: not a "wow" kind of fire, but burning nonetheless. That's me.

Even with my all-consuming motherhood, wife, teacher roles that seek to extinguish my fire, I am still on fire for Jesus. I continue to dwell in Christ, to think on Him, to remain in His word, and to speak with Him.

When I feel discouraged, that I'm not accomplishing much for Jesus, that I'm not making much of a difference even through blogging, that I'm not as passionate for Him as I'd like to be because I'm just so worn out from crying children...at times like these, I just need to keep feeding the fire, to just keep burning slowly for Him until this trying phase of my life has passed.