Monday, June 15, 2009

Anatomy 101

Had someone told me I would spend the past 2 1/2 years focused on a piece of anatomy I don't personally possess, I would have laughed. Then, God sent me two boys and the preoccupation with the penis began.

It started even in the hospital with meticulous instructions about cleaning the plastibel after they circumcised my two sons. Then, at Wyatt's first two doctor visits, I had the embarrassment of seeing my little darling not only spray a perfect arc as he lay on the scales, but hit the wall with that arc. Within days of being at home, I learned to perfect the 2 second diaper change if I didn't want to have to wash the sheet, bumper pad, dust ruffle, outfit, wall, and floor....then, Doug would do a pre-dawn diaper change to let me sleep in and I'd end up washing it all anyway.

It was in these early moments that I knew this small appendage was going to cause me problems and that it just really didn't need to see the light of day more than 10 seconds in a 24 hour period. Now days, I see it all too much as my eldest's naked hiney runs to find me wherever I am (with company, eating lunch, on the phone with students): "Mommy! I pee pee! Wanna come see it?"

Who knew a penis could make pottying so difficult! Should he sit down? Should he stand up? What if he wants to do both? I never imagined designating an old towel the "pee pee towel" to help clean up what didn't make it inside the bowl.

Lately, even a large percentage of the words I speak during the day are instructions for what can and cannot be done with a penis: "No, you can't pee in your castle....not on mommy's flower bed either. WOAH--you're shooting pee on the rug; hold it down...NO not that far down; you're peeing on your underwear! ...Get back inside! You forgot to put your undies back on...No, quit pulling it through your underwear's pocket--it needs to stay inside Thomas."

And then the most recent fun is anatomy lessons. "No, mommy doesn't have a penis. See. Amelia doesn't either. No! You don't need to feel to make sure! And leave mommy's pants alone--you don't need to check and see either."

One day, this will all be funny. But at this moment, I'm wondering how many models God went through in His mind before He came up with this model.


  1. This made my whole night!
    OH MY GOSH hilarious!

    I have girls, but I've "Nanny'd" my share of boys.

    I've heard stories of moms with boys.

    This is great!

    CLASSIC! I bet you never thought the penis would make for such good material.

    WAIT! That didn't sound right!?

  2. All boys at my house. When my youngest spent his first few weeks in the NICU, I remember during one visit being a little alarmed at the pool of liquid forming around his navel where they had all number of tubes attached. The nurse I called over got a little concerned too. After a few minutes of her frantic investigating, she finally called to a nurse on the other side of the nursery. "Mary!" she yelled. "I told you when you changed his diaper to make sure to point this one down!"

    Lost count of how many times I was peed on...

    Great story. And just wait. It gets better.
    Thanks for stopping by, and for adding me to your sidebar. It means a lot.

  3. Remind us to stay away when you are changing one of those diapers, let alone potty training... ha!

  4. Just wait...the conversation does not go away with more than one boy in the house (3). Our greatest revelation came when Evan and Ethan were 2 and 3 and were peeing together and said, "Look, it's the cross like Jesus died on." In that moment, it was revealed how God is TRULY in everthing. Treasure the moments and be thankful you get to share estrogen with someone in your house!

    Angie Bergeron

  5. Boys are just a whole new strange and gross world! My twins love to aim for the up-lifted toilet seat "hole" rather than the real toilet hole, which of course makes a HUGE mess all over the bathroom....uugh! We actually have in our house plans a urinal for the boys' bathroom, I can't wait!

    Catherine Sterling

  6. Oh girl ... That was a HOOT! I don't even know what to say. I'm still giggling as I type! Thanks for the laugh.

  7. Oh my gosh your kids are adorable! I have yet to have kids being I am only 20, but this blog tells me it will be quite an experience! lol Very hysterical

  8. As a mom of a little boy, all I can say is you have expressed a universal truth. SO TRUE! and FUNNY too!

  9. Thank you ladies for all your comments--what's amazing is how I seem to have struck a chord way deep in women who have had their own share of funny stories about their boys' little appendage. I appreciate all your stories. Makes me feel part of a larger group of fellow-sufferers (many of whom are still being peed on themselves!).