Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A Divided Heart

Do you know what it's like to speak out for a cause even when it means standing against friends and loved-ones?

To speak your heart, knowing those words will divide you from another and quite possibly will draw hatred and resentment toward you?

I do.

In the wee hours of Monday morning while the whole house slept, God spoke to me. He told me I must stand and speak even though He knew I would rather sit in silence. But He also warned the consequences of standing for His Word: "They hate him who reproves in the gate, And they abhor him who speaks with integrity" (Amos 5:10).

I must stand. But obedience would have a cost.

This is the reason my blog this week has been uncommonly silent. My spiritual family has been heavy on my heart. Several times throughout each day, only tears would come along with halting prayers to God for my family's healing.

I've been waiting for words. Waiting for God to speak. And grieving the heartache within my spiritual family.

I spent my today fasting and praying intermixed with my duties as a mother. Only tonight did God give me the words. I spoke. And in doing so, I have probably permanently severed at least one relationship.

Tonight, my spiritual family divided. It breaks me to think of the loss.

Women and men who have rocked my babies and kissed their little foreheads. Women whom I have held hands with and prayed in small, intimate circles of fellowship. Women whom I looked up to for mature spiritual leadership.

Unreconciled. Angry. Hurt, themselves. Believing in their hearts that they had the best interests of the spiritual family in mind.

My spiritual family needs healing. I need healing.

This road my Savior asks me to walk is not an easy one. It requires me to give without reservation my heart in loving relationships and in friendships. And then it requires me to choose to honor Scripture over my heart and those relationships when the two are in conflict.

A grieving, tender that hopefully my Savior can use as He heals my brokenness.


  1. Jennifer,

    I understand your brokenness and your feelings of loss as you look at people who have stood together in Bible study split - possibly for life on this earth. I understand your hurt. What I thought was the only answer to keeping our church together wasn't shared by all - including yourself. I want you to know that I DID feel like I was doing what was best - and I'm not unconvinced - but I wnat you to know that your friendship with me is not severed. I will not be worshiping with you at Riverside - but I WILL see you on the other side. I will say that you stood with integrity and love for God in your heart - but I saw things that I hope I never see again. People poured their heart from both sides and others laughed. THey made fun. They mocked in God's house. I don't know that I will ever forget that or the feeling of brokenness as I left out. Throughout all - I felt no anger - until I saw Deacon's wives laughing at the mockery. Last night our church split - everyone lost. Please pray for the many people that left as they search for a new church home. Thank you for these words - they meant a lot to me.


  2. I love you with my whole heart, Annette. I always will. I know everyone is hurt. But the love Jesus has put in my heart doesn't mean I, personally, love you any less. You made an impression on me long ago when I started my first in-depth Bible study at Riverside. I clearly remember you speaking of your relationship with the Father, sitting at His feet. And I remember thinking, "I want what SHE has! I don't have that kind of relationship!" And since that time, I have pursued God with my everything. I saw in you what I wanted. And I will have a special place in my heart for you through eternity. I will continue to pray for reconciliation long before we cross to the other side.

  3. Oh Jennifer - your words mean so much to me. I don't feel so effective these days as a Christian example - but I so want to be there. As far as I am concerned there is nothing to reconcile between us - and I hope we can keep in touch in days ahead. I am so thankful that we have a Christ that shows how to love in spite of differences. It is truly His love. Your words were beautiful - and I believe them with my whole heart. I believe the answers and understanding are there - we just have to continue to have faith until we know. Thank you for your courage. I will continue to pray for you and Riverside - and I pray that it will grow. You have a beautiful spirit and I am so thankful that you call me friend.


  4. Jennifer, you've been on my heart this week. Sending you an email.